Top Ten New Year's Resolutions
by Maggie Van Ostrand
Unable to achieve world peace in 2006 as I had resolved to do last New Year's, I decided it was probably smarter to simplify my 2007 New Year's Resolutions and make them doable.
Toward that goal I will work to succeed in the following promises to myself, right after I find out why everybody got sick from eating bad spinach, everybody that is except Popeye.
10. Call all the 800 numbers on the unwanted junk catalogs jammed into my mailbox and tell them to take my name off their mailing list. If they want to pay me for my information instead of the marketing company that sold it to them without my knowledge or consent, then maybe we can negotiate.
9. Finish letter to television's CSI producers asking why women on CSI's forensic team don't wear headgear to prevent their hair from falling on the crime scene and screwing up the evidence. Vote to bring back the snood.
8. Find out why the baskets on professional basketball courts remain at the same height for 7-feet-and-over players that they were at when players were still well under six feet tall.
7. Stop shampooing two times when once is enough. Lying labels that say we have to shampoo twice are another marketing ploy, like television's fake rave reviews for really dreadful movies. Fake ads are not against the law, so fake money at the box office should be allowed.
6. Start a grass roots movement to find out why film producers use Roman numerals stating the year the movie was made. Nobody can ever figure out what it says, even if they count on all fingers and toes.
5. Stop buying DVDs from PBS until they remove the commercials. Since we paid for the DVDs, they shouldn't have the right to shove insurance ads down our weary throats.
4. Save water by not washing vegetables before cooking because common sense says that nuking, boiling, and frying should kill all the germs. It certainly didn't do those ants any good.
3. Find out what happens to money the government levies in massive fines against big corporations. They could at least stuff some of the potholes on the nation's highways with those greenbacks. Money isn't worth the paper it's printed on, not since the presidents' pictures have slid so far to the left.
2. Tell President Bush that it's pronounced "NOO CLEE ER" and not "NOO KYU LAR." If he fails to get it right, try not to stare at him in disbelief.
And the most important Resolution of all, coming in at Number One:
1. Write to the Department of Education again asking why there are no seat belts on school busses. Maybe they'll answer this time.
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