Weirdo Fathers of the Year
by Maggie Van Ostrand
"My pappy was a pistol, I'm a son of a gun" say the lyrics of the late songmeister Roger Miller's country western hit, "Dang Me."
Michael Jackson might well be singing those lyrics today.
Pappy Joe Jackson's hand rose simultaneously with his son's in a victory greeting to fans waiting outside the Santa Maria court after the "Not guilty on all counts" verdict was read. At last Joe seems to have gotten the approbation he believes he has deserved all these years. It's all about him. It was always The Jackson Six, not Five. He was behind them all the time.
Gee, Joe, do you really think sticking by Michael's side now will make up for all you did to him when he was a defenseless kid? How much per diem are you getting from Michael?
Daddy Joe told British ezine, femalefirst.co.uk, in a June 2nd interview, "I wasn't a bad dad." Riiiiiight. Every little boy with a nose like his daddy's grows to adulthood, can't bear the resemblance, and cuts it off. Or maybe it was to spite his face.
After the infamous Martin Bashear interview, "Living With Michael Jackson," during which the superstar revealed the extent of Joe's "tough love," Daddy Dearest freaked out.
"Come on... he did not get whipped," snarled Joe, adding that his wife, Katherine, "whipped him more than I did." Make up yer mind, dude, you either did whup him or you didn't.
Joe Jackson insists his son lied in the documentary, but said they put aside their differences privately. He has remained at his son's side throughout the child molestation trial in Santa Maria, even after he was shown the footage of the Bashear interview where his weeping weirdo son told Bashear he was badly beaten by his dad. Liar, liar, pants on fire? But whose pants? Daddy or Peter Pan? That said, I suppose it's safer to stand by Michael's side than in front of him.
Joe went on to say, "Michael, I'm there for you all the time and I love you. People's gonna talk but I still love you and hope you do well."
Whether or not Joe actually whacked the daylights out of his singing son and nicknamed him "Big Nose," Michael's strangeness began somewhere. Joe shouldn't have killed little Michael's pet mouse.
It makes one wonder from where Ben Affleck got his, um, rather odd behaviour. Was it his father, Tim Affleck, the divorced, former alcoholic-cum-drug rehab counselor? Is Tim responsible for Ben's behaviour of tormenting co-stars like Christina Applegate ("Surviving Christmas") by flashing his genitals at her?
Applegate said, "[We] were doing a shot of a briefcase and Ben just decided to put his 'stuff' on the case." She claims it wasn't the first incident of that type and said that Affleck constantly played crude jokes throughout the entire shoot. "He would always do stupid things like that, mooning and sticking his tongue in the director's ear. He's very goofy."
On the set of "Jersey Girl," Affleck behaved badly by playing an X-rated prank on the director, Kevin Smith," a trick called the "fruit basket."
Said Smith, "I'd be sitting in the director's chair and every once in awhile I'd feel something on my neck. I'd be like, 'What was that?' And I'd turn around and he'd have his scrotum out and resting on my neck. I was like, 'What is wrong with you, dude?'"
Affleck is also known to hang out at lesbian strip joints like the one in Vancouver that cost him Jennifer Lopez, and has dazzling conversations with co-stars like Kate Beckinsale ("Pearl Harbor") wherein he compared her teeth to television's talking horse, Mr. Ed, because they were so big.
Speaking of big, Kate just won "The Ugliest Breasts in Hollywood Award," from www.awfulplasticsurgery.com.
Affleck's spokesman, Mr. Sunshine, has angrily denied Ben's paternity of co-star ("Daredevil") Jennifer Garner's baby, although he left open the possibility that they might be engaged.
"There is no way that this baby - if there is a baby - is Ben's," Sunshine said. "I mean, come on! Take it from me, Ben is not the kind of guy to go around impregnating women, although I must say that, if he were, Jennifer is someone he would definitely consider impregnating. She is one hot babe!" Ben's taste in dates is apparently classier than his taste in spokesmen.
Ben can be engaged to any number of lovelies, but the one he shared a bank account with is Matt Damon.
The third and final Weird Father of the Year would have to be pillow-lipped Angelina Jolie's dad, Oscar-winning actor, Jon Voight ("Coming Home"). Her unsisterly conduct with her brother James Haven Voight, had gossipy tongues wagging at the 2000 Academy Awards when she kissed him full out on the lips, and lip locked way longer than Jacko bussed Lisa Marie Presley that one time.
And who but Angelina would get married in black rubber clothes ( to first husband Jonny Lee Miller 1996)? She hasn't spoken to her father, whose name she dropped using only her first and middle names, in years.
Was Daddy Jon, who doesn't like to be seen in public without a white silk scarf, responsible for his daughter's behaviour? He cried and got all sappy about her on a TV talk show awhile back. His appearance was so embarrassing that it's ranked as #30 on Movietome's 101 Biggest Celebrity Oops.
Epilogue: Michael will continue to support his parents and publicly speak with affection of his father's loyalty during this ordeal, but he will carry a resentment as big as the Canadian Rockies.
Ben will continue being the kind of fella you don't want to get engaged to and certainly don't want his hirsute whatchamacallits dangling on the back of your neck.
Angelina will continue not speaking to her father, giving Brad Pitt the vamp as long as it helps the box office gross of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and hoping that the incest rumours about her relationship with her brother go away.
Saddam Hussein will petition the court for a change of venue to Santa Maria.
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