Peeps Alert
by Maggie Van Ostrand
Ah yes, comfort food. We're talkin' mashed potatoes and gravy, Mallomars, potato chips and meatloaf. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But for me my friends, it’s the time of year where new dimensions will be reached to the very definition of the word “comfort.”
It’s Peeps time. And they’re acomin’ fast and furious. I await the sound of their little feetsies as they march over the horizon, answering the call to arms as they have for lo these many years, protecting the Flying Peeps with ground fire (though not a shot has been fired since they were born. They claim it’s just a precaution). Please note that if you see Peeps without feets, it means they flew in and their landing gear is up.
Since the 1950’s, Peeps have been alleviating humanhood’s pain and suffering, at least the psychomatic kind, and doing an amazing job.
For those few who are unfamiliar with the physical makeup of Peeps, they are round little treats of sugar-coated marshmallow chicks, though a few of the 2005 models are rather flat chested. Each Peep consists of a mere 32 calories and is proud of the fact that, while he is most often quite plump, he has zero fat content. Beyond even this, their mother company, Just Born Inc., advises they also make, among other flavors, a quite delectible Peeps Jelly Bean, adding that such delicacies “are certified kosher by the Orthodox Union.” Perfection lies in the details.
The official Peeps Season began with the end of Mardi Gras festivities. This year, the first confirmed Peeps sighting was in Pensacola Florida; they were spotted migrating southward from the Just Born birthing facility in the beautiful Lehigh Valley of Pennsylvania.
Unlike human beings, Peeps of many colors live, nay, thrive, together. There is the original yellow, followed by pink, blue (hatched for Easter in 1998), lavender (1995), and of course the elusive albino.
Bringing with it the same good luck which accompanies the finding of a four leaf clover, the first Peeps sighting can sometimes include the rare albino Peep. None has yet been sighted this year, not even in the area of South Texas where one was sighted in 1972. You may recall that the cover of People magazine featured a photo of a Peepster named Ptolomy Boxx, with his arm around his discovery, an albino Peep called Tom. The rumor that Tom was arrested that night for peeping into windows hoping to spot a naked female Peep is totally unfounded, and he successfully brought suit against the supermarket tabloid that said so.
A helicopter landing pad is now conveniently located in Joliet Illinois, where the prison once stood, for use only by Peeps in need of assistance. Each disabled Peep is given a Handicapped sticker to be hung from their rear-view mirror. Some Peeps are born blind, which does not curb their value to humanhood in any way. Disabled Peeps can often be seen in local supermarket baskets which serve as temporary transportation, thereby eliminating the necessity of climbing up to the shelf to await selection. Although handicapped Peeps were not eligible for the winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, they are often preferred by humans for their affectionate natures and their willingness to please.
Peeps almost always roost in groups of fifteen, called “fteens.” Several fteens of authentic peeps have been seen at a local, privately owned grocery store in Quebec.
Peeps believe their mission in life is to provide comfort to real people and are often the only friends available for those addicted to their company, but who live in rural areas where Peeps may be hard to find. For those people, Peeps Anonymous meetings are springing up all over the continent.
Peeps have truly been ennobled over the decades since their birth, and take very seriously their motto: “We each take the journey we’re meant to take.”
There are many ways to enjoy Peeps, and I had a conversation just last year with one called Simon. Simon says there’s an art to Peeping and one of the most popular methods is to cut a small opening in the cellophane covering their condo (which humans refer to as “box”) and let them harden a bit in the refrigerator. Some people, Simon says, like to partake headfirst, and some bottoms up. Simon says it’s all a matter of taste.
As a test, Caffimage put a single Peep chick named Maxwell in the fridge next to a chocolate Charlie Brown, but Maxwell developed Peanuts Envy and had to be removed.
According to the Census Bureau, demand for Peeps has created a huge population explosion in Peepsville with births exceeding one billion in 2005.
The Peeps Peace Corps has sent volunteers to shores as far as Australia, New Zealand, the Netherlands, China, India, and, well, every foreign country that has a Peeps Embassy.
Peeps fans can get further information on the internet by accessing Peepsville at www.marshmallowpeeps.com, which consists of a club house, general store, gift and card shoppes, and a birthing facility tour,
This begs the question: Did God really rest on the seventh day, or did He use it to create the Peep?
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