I, Jackson Juror
by Maggie Van Ostrand
February 10th, 2005
I’m so upset over Michael Jackson’s upcoming trial that my hair turned blonde overnight.
"I can't sleep thinking about what these wicked people might try to do to him," said his mom, Katherine Jackson. Even though her hair remains black, she sounds as worried as I am.
Mrs. Jackson said that Michael told her he was innocent and she believes him because, “"He loves children. You don't molest anything that you love."
Well, I don’t know about that. I always molest what I love – myself – and I am fully prepared to die in my own arms.
Using that as a standard, can there be any doubt about how much Michael loves himself? Look how he’s molested his face. I’ve seen mosquito bites that protrude further than that nose. So why would he need to molest someone else?
If I were chosen to be a Jackson juror and had to fill out the secret questionnaire that the media is trying to get hold of, I’d just write “Not Guilty By Reason of Infirmity.”
I don’t think Michael plied that kid with wine and had his way with him. I think the kid’s parents are trying to have their way with Michael.
The jury questionnaire is a secret, but the questions will probably focus on the potential jurors' views on Michael, their knowledge of the case, and their own backgrounds. Since no signs of bias will be tolerated by the high-priced jury consultants, I’d say, “No, I don’t know anything about this. Never heard anything about the case. Who’s Michael Jackson?” Then I'd get an agent, a book deal, and a gig on Oprah.
Raymond Chandler, uncle of the boy who brought similar charges against Michael in 1993 and ended up with a trillion dollars, said "The question is, will they judge Michael Jackson on the same basis as they would judge an ordinary man?”
Where are they going to find 12 jurors and 8 stand-bys who’ll be able to judge Michael Jackson as “an ordinary man?” Everybody knows he isn’t a man at all, he’s Michael. He's gone to great lengths over the years to morph into animals, women, children, and a car.
On the other hand, Mr. Chandler, a lawyer, will attend the trial every day in the capacity of commentator for the media. I’m so glad there’s no conflict of interest.
I just can't see any jury putting him in prison with all those perverts. After all, if Bill Clinton can say a blow job is not sex, I don’t see why the Jackson jury can’t say Michael is not guilty.
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