Sex and the Biddy
by Maggie Van Ostrand
How depressing, how disheartening, how discouraging to find that we have yet another sex drug: Intrinsa, the "sex patch" which purports to restore a woman's sex drive. Who wants to have a sex drive restored when it's still stored? Besides, isn't it enough to have to deal with Viagra?
Much has been written about refugees from Bosnia, Haiti, Cuba, Romania, and the middle east. But what about the movement right here in our own country? What about Viagra refugees?
We Viagra refugees are readying ourselves to storm the bastions of Pfizer Pharmaceutical, shrieking our rallying cry, "To hell with Viagra, what've ya got to make him cuddle!"
Never mind what you read in the papers about poppies and hemp; this is the real War On Drugs. Women are joining hands in a nationwide effort to stem the production of any product which enhances sexual prowess in men of an age somewhere between rock 'n' roll and rockin' chairs.
It's not that women don't love sex. We do, we do. We just like other things as well, like brushing our teeth, eating a meal, taking a bath.
We don't want to be on call for the 24/7 service-on-demand sexual urges unleashed in our men by this little blue pill. What're we? Domino's? We do not believe in delivered sex. Gentlemen, we are not a pizza.
I have become a favorite customer of the local dry cleaners due to the many occasions where I was unable to disrobe rapidly enough to accommodate my boyfriend's newly spiked lust level, and ended up with dress stains plentiful enough to make Linda Tripp buy more tape and call me.
Use of Viagra is getting ridiculously overdone. You guys just won't let us get out of bed or out of couch or even out of elevators, for heaven's sake! We are exhausted! We are literally getting crotchety. We are not amused.
In an ill-conceived effort to please my Viagra swilling boyfriend who started to come home for lunch every day with me as the main meal, I thought I'd make it easy on myself and just stay naked, using my innate skills of deception to fake constant enthusiam instead of constant orgasm. Wondering why he didn't use his key instead of knocking, I flung open the door and who was standing there all google-eyed? The Direct TV guy!
That was the beginning of the Anti-Viagra Movement. Today it has reached a groundswell of feminine resistance, resulting in a fusillade of Lysistrata-based objections: "No sex until you want less sex;" "put that thing away for the day;" "until you return to foreplay, no more play."
Take heart tired ladies, our cries for relief are being answered. Medical help has arrived from an unexpected source: In a letter published by the New England Journal of Medicine, three Italian doctors said their research found glycyrrhizic acid, the active ingredient in licorice, suppressed sex hormone levels in men in their early 20's by as much as 40%. Just 5 grams of licorice a day over four days was enough to reduce the amount of testosterone significantly in seven men.
It is rumored that all seven young men passed their final test, which took place at a Montreal Hooters. Doctor-supervised testing consisted of having employees yell out such words as "hot," "juicy," and "wet," with nary one visible display of ardor. Doctors guaranteed restoration of full sexual powers in four days' time.
I'm going back to the best and safest sex ever devised: giving myself arm hicke
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