IS SANTA CLAUS ILLEGAL IN ARIZONA?
by Maggie Van Ostrand
 Associated Press reports the U.S. Department
of Immigration apprehended Santa Claus attempting to illegally enter the United
States from Mexico. He was caught maneuvering his sleigh over a fence recently
erected by the Border Patrol.
When Santa lived up north, his transportation
consisted of eight reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner
and Blitzen. However, after his historic move to Mexico, he hired flying burros
named Margarita, Josefina, Maria-Luisa, Esmeralda, Concepción, Bonita,
Carmelita and Lupita. They were already over the fence awaiting further
instructions.
The AP reports that a ninth burro, Rudolfo con la
Nariz Rojo, accidentally caused Santa's sleigh to get caught on the fence,
leaving the sleigh hoisted high above ground, the tinkling sleigh bells
alerting the Border Patrol.
Santa, a cheerful, chubby, bespectacled fellow in
red, appears each year to distribute toys once created in his North Pole
workshop, recently outsourced to Mexico. He is ably assisted in this
endeavor by dozens of anonymous elves and his long-suffering wife, Evangelina
Garcia-Claus.
The Clauses relocated to Mexico in the late 20th
Century due to marketing stress from Walmart, always harping for more speed and
demanding "newer, better, cheaper." And there was a second reason to
move south.
"You just cannot continue at this rate,"
said Mrs. Claus. "Your blood pressure is already sky high and if you get
sick, who will make the toys?" She reminded her absent-minded husband that
the elves could not work without direction as their focus was easily disabled
by such things as were common at the North Pole: cold toes and runny noses.
"Their union rep wants them relocated to a sunny climate and who can say
they are wrong?" After contemplating this conversation as Santa always did
when his wife remembered to remind him, he vowed to relocate the entire
workshop south of the border.
Deciding upon Mexico was relatively easy, although
they had once considered Hawaii. They changed their minds because three elves
suffered from an allergy to poi, while not a single elf had an allergy to
tequila.
There were many things to consider in such a move --
the acquisition of property vast enough to accommodate the woodcarving shop
with attendant banding wheels, assorted hammers, screwdrivers, mallets, saws,
adequate space for kilns and pottery equipment, another building devoted solely
to books, with printing presses and a bindery, sewing frame, and leather
storage facilities, additional buildings for the Art Department with drafting
tables, airbrushes, palettes and paints, and a separate iPad section.
Neither the trusting Santa nor his wife was aware
that their activities were being monitored by immigration's Covert Operations.
Santa's private phone calls, mail, and movements were carefully noted in
Washington's infamous "Stealth Activities" ledger. American authorities
had never been suspicious when Santa entered the U.S. from the north but from
the south, it was a reindeer of a different color. When a bewildered Santa got
stuck on a fence that was never there before, he was summarily detained.
"But," cried Santa through the chain link,
"Superman doesn't have a green card or a pilot's license either and you
let him in. Why not me?"
"You may not enter," said the head agent,
patting Santa's deportation papers which were tucked in the pocket of his vest,
"because you're not registered with any political party and therefore
cannot vote. So either fall back now, or we're authorized to dispatch you to Guantanamo.
Santa spoke not a word,
but went straight to his sleigh,
Checked all the presents, turned his head away,
And laying a finger aside of his nose,
With a nod to the burros, over the fence he rose.
He sat straight in his
sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a NASA made missile.
They heard him exclaim, for he was no longer meek
"From London to Kansas and then Ajijic." As his sleigh rose high
to the sky way above,
He shouted "The most precious gift is called love.
No fences, no walls, no problems, no fight
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
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