An Ordinary Voter in an Ordinary State
by Maggie Van Ostrand
Sick of the attention paid to "battleground" states this election year, I asked Harvey Wallbanger, a fake ordinary voter from an ordinary state, if he had yet made up his mind about which candidate he'll vote for, and here's what he said:
I see news on TV and local papers and don't understand why some folks can't make up their mind. The only places I don't wonder about are Oklahoma, Tennessee, and pieces of Virginia and North Carolina. They don't have no kind of radio news to listen to except two fat dudes who yell alot of hate. Aside from radio Bible and some real good music, they don't seem to get enough knowing. I don't include Texas. Texas is sorta unto itself and does what it wants, like it's not connected. Based on what I learned, what I did was think. Here's what I come up with.
There's the one guy who talks maybe he'd be up for another war if I vote for him for president. Well another war might be all right for him personal. He found a way to watch other guys go fight our enemy while he was stashed in Paris France instead and when it come time for his own sons to go, he got them out of it too. Back in the day, he wore a fake cop suit and scared folks for fun which is about as funny as when he bullied another kid till he cried. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. I only seen him on TV two times where he looked happy and not bossy or bullying folks around. He was talkin' to other fancypants about 47% of the rest of us that he didn't really like, and at a fancy dinner in New York where he looked like he felt as comfortable as me when I'm home with kith and kin. Only I don't wear no tuxedo.
Here's the kicker. The state he was governor of don't like him none, the state he Mormons in don't like him much and neither does their newspaper, and the state his pop was a big shot in likes the other fella better. Plus the guy he picked to partner with, well that guy's state don't like neither one of 'em. Now right there's enough to lose my vote. If he put his money where his mouth is, it'd be right here in American banks, maybe even helping families like mine.
Then I read about how his family was buyin' votin' machines in Ohio. Yep, that's so. And that's the same guy who tied his caged dog to the car roof and drove 12 hours even after the dog got sick. Nobody in the car objected when the baggage rode inside 'stead of the dog, not even that pretty lady who called me "You people." My wife don't like neither one of 'em for a bunch o' woman reasons. She don't like it when they talk about "reproductive rights," which she says just means they want to fiddle with her private parts. She says they want to tell us to keep on havin' more kids when we can't hardly feed the ones we got. I didn't want to hear no more about that lady stuff.
I don't think a guy who can do and say all that so easy would make a good president.
I look at my gov'ment like buildin' a house. The President we got, he laid a real solid foundation that'll last a long time. If you don't get the framing right, your house can't stand, my pop always said. He got the 2 x 4s up.He got the siding up. He got the 2 x 10 header beams, and raised high the roof beam. Only thing is, if members on the county board won't give you no permits, you can't put in electric and plumbing or windows or drywall, none of the inside stuff, and the whole thing gets stalled.
If I vote for the fella who wants me to train a Chinese guy to take my job away from me, I hurt myself, my family, and my country. Then a bunch of guys in jackboots will get permits from their county board tuxedo friends to jackhammer the foundation and tear most everything down. I will vote for the President again along with senators and such who care about America from here on out. We'll get permits ourselves and finish up a real strong house we can all live in.
And the most important thing: I want a Mister not a Master and since Mr. Obama has been President, no big bird has crapped on the roof.
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