George Washington: Lies, Myths, and Hippos
by Maggie Van Ostrand
Even as a child, George Washington had a reputation of always telling
the truth, a first for any future politician. It has been said that
when six-year-old George cut down his father's favorite cherry tree with
his new hatchet, he copped to the chop when his father asked, "George,
do you know who killed that beautiful little cherry tree yonder in the
garden?" This is probably true because nobody would use an old-timey
word like "yonder" unless they were a couple of hundred years old.
When little George's moment of truth arrived, did he really say, "I
cannot tell a lie, Papa. I did cut it with my hatchet." What? The kid
had a hatchet?
What father in his right mind would give a six-year-old a hatchet? I
doubt if Lizzie Borden herself had a hatchet at that age, whether or not
it was embedded in her father's skull. If you could find such an idiot
parent today, the hatchet would be child proof like everything else,
except maybe dirt and a banana.
Look at the evidence: Tree chopped down. George standing there. In
his hand, a hatchet. His dad wouldn't even have to dial 911. What choice
did historians have but to conclude that George told the truth? Suppose
he actually came up with a better scenario like kids do today. He
could've said, "The tree was about to attack me so I thrusted and
parried with my trusty hatchet in self defense!" or "It was not a tree,
father, it was really a Skylander minion out for my blood." What could
his dad have countered with? "Liar, liar, breeches on fire" or "You're
getting like your mom's side of the family," or "You want to end up deported like your Uncle Benedict?"
Digging a little deeper, we learn that, when it comes to Washington's
honesty, myths, not truths, have always been repeated by parents and
teachers. How about that story of when he pitched a half-dollar across
the Potomac River. Did he really? You want the truth? It wasn't a
half-dollar he threw, it was a British guinea, and it wasn't the Potomac
River, it was the Rappahannock. Take that Professor Moriarty.
And by the way, I have no idea why historians lie about his teeth.
Washington did not have wooden teeth; one pair was actually made from
the teeth of a hippopotamus. No wonder Washington never laughed. You
know how he looks on the dollar bill? His teeth hurt so much the day
that portrait was made that he had to remove them. The artist stuck
cotton in his mouth to plump it out. Otherwise, we'd have a dollar bill
with a painting of Washington gumming up the works and the dollar would
be worth even less than it is now.
Certain civilians can tell a lie as well as any politician. Probably
the most creative lie fell from the lips of the great comedian, Richard
Pryor. He was allegedly in bed with another woman and got caught by his
wife. In the shocked voice of one unjustly accused, he screamed "Who are
you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes!" Pryor was far more creative
than, say, John Edwards.
It's the nature of politicians to lie, even if they refuse to use
that word; these days, they say they "misspoke" instead. It's what they
do, from Nixon's evasions to Bush's persuasions, from Washington's axe
to Clinton's ex, and from Romney's bling to Weiner's thing.
One exception to lying politicians might be Harry S. ("Give 'em
hell") Truman who said, "I never gave them hell. I just tell the truth
and they think it's hell."
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