It
doesn't matter whether you're a working woman toiling amidst the trauma
and traffic of the U.S.A., or you're an at-home woman living amidst the joys of retirement. You still need a bosom buddy.
Qualified to fill this time-honored category
would be other women, one's mother and/or mother-in-law, one's husband
and/or someone else's husband, mentors, siblings, even one's adult children.
For me, there's no doubt about #1 in the bosom buddy category; that
would have to be my brassiere.
The reverse is also true: I qualify as
bosom buddy to their manufacturers which is easy; there's only one requisite.
Gravity.
And here's some information men probably never wanted to know: The bosom comes in many sizes,
A to I, and can be shaped like knolls, eggplants, cones, and very thin
old women frequently appear to be adorned with a pair of blackjacks.
According to "Uplift," a reference book about the history
of the brassiere, women have gone from boyish flatness
to torpedo-shaped to plunging fronts to sportif chic to water-gel brassieres in a mere
century and a half. In my opinion, the history of the brassiere was
summed up by actress Tallulah Bankhead, when she once said of a play
she disliked: "There's less here than meets the eye."
After 140 years of attempts to design
the ideal breast supporter using materials from feather-bones to spandex,
some patents are just plain quirky, ranging from a fur-lined bra to
one with an electric heating system. That might be a very friendly thing
if you're married to an Eskimo, though a micro fan hidden in a bra to
cool yourself might be more beneficial, not to mention soothing, if
you live in Mexico.
No less than 100% of the men I interviewed
don't give a flying fig whether a woman was born amply endowed like
Mae West, Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell, or medically endowed like
Dolly Parton, Pamela Anderson and Demi Moore. I guess the bosom's origin
is the one exception to their rule about how they hate it when women
lie to them.
Back in 1932, MGM actress Maureen O'Sullivan
(future mother of Mia Farrow) was photographed in a perky-bosomed pose,
urging Sears' customers to "Be sure to measure" before ordering
any foundation garment. Those were the days before brassieres were mass
produced, when women actually had personal fittings. None of these hanging-from-a-hook-at-Walmart
bras for them. No indeedy.
Brassieres presented myriad possibilities
for shaping, from early 1900's mono-bosoms to the torpedoes of the late
1940s and early 1950s. Speaking of torpedoes, in World War II, Maiden
Form was commissioned by the U.S. Government to fashion a type of support
for the army's carrier pigeons, who carried messages when radio silence
was being observed immediately before D-Day. Talk about a hooter holster!
Steven Spielberg should make a movie about that and call it "Saving
Private Pigeon."
Brassiere manufacturers also supplied
the military with everything from pup tents to parachutes. Notice any
similarities?
Women have gone from training bras to
sports bras to burning bras and today, the brassiere is often worn on
the outside of a garment. Bras no longer are considered "under"
wear, largely due to trendsetting pop idols, Lady Gaga and Beyonce, not
to mention J-Lo.
Even Elizabeth, Queen of England, wears
a brassiere; not just any old bra, of course, but one designed and made
by Rigby & Peller, to whom she granted her Royal Warrant as Official
Corsetieres in 1960. I wonder if they also design her hats.
In 2010, we're dealing with the syndrome
of looking as though we're not wearing a bra at all. "Sex and the
City" introduced the Nipple Enhancer, a "bodyperk,"
which gives people everywhere the illusion that the wearer is constantly
standing on a drafty iceberg. We've come a long way, baby. Or have we?
Not to worry, dear reader. The world may
suffer economic disarray from time to time, but it will survive as long
as women continue to have what it takes and a place to house them.
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