Top 10 Thanksgiving Rules
by Maggie Van Ostrand
The first of three end-of-year holidays is now behind us. If you’re a kid, it’s time to look forward to Thanksgiving and, if you’re an adult hosting your own relatives this year, it’s time to wish Thanksgiving would be celebrated in somebody else’s dining room.
Last year was the memorable Thanksgiving celebration when our house almost blew up as a helpful, hard-of-seeing member of the family thought he was pushing the oven’s BAKE button but hit the SELF CLEANING button instead. We had more ashes from that mess than Grandpa left behind in Grandma’s new urn, the one that’s shaped like a big duck that she bought at The Keepsake and Jewelry company’s going-out-of-business sale. She always says, “That is NOT a duck! It’s a mallard.” Well, my 2008 Thanksgiving oven contained more turkey ashes than grandpa's ashes in that mallardy duck. That’s why I’m not enthusiastic about a repeat performance at the impending 2009 Thanksgiving dinner. Based on past performance, this year will take special planning, the keynote of any successful dinner party. Except in my family.
No strategy can take into consideration how gassy grandma gets as she gobbles up her dinner, or how the teenage twins argue about whether or not tryptophan invites the same gut-busting laughter as weed, or whether the turkey is one that met its fate in a fowl guillotine like the one behind Sarah Palin when she was Alaska’s governor. (We think MSNBC is still running that clip.)
You know the old saying, If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans? Well, this year, I’ve come up with a plan consisting of 10 rules, which should cover potential Thanksgiving disasters and mishaps:
10. For Heaven’s sake, grandma, take a Beano!
9. If you see the dog with feathers around his mouth, call for a pizza.
8. No, I’m not rescheduling dinner for halftime.
7. Pie Ala Mode means ice cream will cover the dirt on the pie you dropped on the floor.
6. So what if I used the slow cooker? Come back Christmas and it’ll be done.
5. Cover it with gravy and they’ll never guess it's a hairball, not a Butterball.
4. When Dad says he has to unbutton his pants, it means he’s full, so quit that dirty snickering.
3. If you’re invited to a turkey shoot, be sure it’s not in the market’s meat department.
2. If a guest whines about abusive turkey treatment, tell her yours was from Alaska and born frozen.
1. We don’t need a turkey this year, we’ve got Joe Lieberman.
Sure, you do look forward to Thanksgiving if you’re a kid, but if you’re a grown-up male, all it would take to make you thankful is a football with nipples.
Say, where's that booming laughter coming from?
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