Where Have All the Men Gone?
by Maggie Van Ostrand
There are more giggling girls on television news channels than there are at the Playboy Mansion in Beverly Hills. What's up with that? These girls range in looks from Paris Hilton to Lou Dobbs in drag.
Are men the next endangered species? Have women rendered them redundant? Are we headed for the United States of Amazonia?
A quick look at Fox News gives the impression that a viewer has inadvertently tuned in to a Hugh Hefner Bunny Reunion, especially on Bill O'Reilly's show. Unless he's sitting naked on a pound of loose goose feathers, it's probably Bill's thrill of being surrounded by saccharine, silly, simpering starlets that causes him to giggle just like they do. It's embarrassing to watch, so I don't. This had to be a male decision at the corporate level to attract more female viewers. Don't they understand that it's men we want to watch and not each other? This may be why Fox is frequently referred to as the "gyno network." Some of these lovelies are referred to as "rotating anchors." That may be how they got the job in the first place.
Some of these babes, the same ones that decry sexism, an imaginary "glass ceiling," and who try to shut down their local Hooters, wear necklines so low, they look like they're jumping rope. They can call it "news" if they like, but it's nothing more than a babe parade on steroids. They look like Barbie blow-up dolls for lonely males. The more discerning man would turn to MSNBC's Norah O'Donnell.
However, O'Donnell, one of the most gorgeous women on the air, has an unfortunate and maniacal cackle that would make Alfred Hitchcock shiver with fright. The show's producers have to be careful not to book any comics who might make her laugh.
Speaking of MSNBC, their website lists, with photos, no fewer than 69 female newscasters, with fetching Bunny names like Contessa, Dara, Savannah and Britta. These girlie newscasters almost make CBS's Katie Couric look like a man. (There's someone I wouldn't watch at gunpoint.)
One of the most believable female newscasters is CNN's Senior Political Correspondent, Candy Crowley, who knows at least as much about politics as Wolf Blitzer, and a whole lot more than President Bush. Besides, she's the only female news correspondent who doesn't begin every sentence with the word "Well…"
60 Minutes features Leslie Stahl, an aging blonde who looks like she's wearing a hamster on her head. She must have something on someone at CBS because, compared to Barbara Walters' smoothly penetrating interviews, she's not even in the same league.
CNN features Campbell Brown, the pretty brunette with the great gams. The camera likes them, too, and often pans them. Maybe CNN is trying to point out that her stories have legs.
Rachael Maddow, frequent guest in the political pundit arena, is beautiful and smart. She should be an anchor person and give some cred to the otherwise beauty pageant aspect of today's television news.
Sports is another area women have seeped into, but their lack of knowledge about the sport they're covering makes them funny enough to be carried by Comedy Central.
So where are all the men? There are subtle indications that they are hiding in darkened rooms nationwide, bleary eyed from watching the babe parade under the guise of watching the news. Some of them are still salivating as they enter the daylight and seem surprised that Hillary Clinton finally conceded. Sort of.
If I could find a man, I now know he only needs TV news to be happy, when I used to think all it took was a beer, a buddy, and a football with nipples.
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