FESTIVUS
by Maggie Van Ostrand
Take the day off on December 23rd in celebration of the tenth anniversary of the Festivus holiday.
For the uninitiated, Festivus is a holiday created by the character of George Constanza's screaming father Frank (Jerry Stiller) from Seinfeld's final season 9, episode 10, in which people who don't celebrate other popular holidays make one of their own. Hence the cry "Festivus for the rest of us!!!" It didn't take much to catch on.
Festivus was made culturally popular worldwide by Daniel O'Keefe, a Seinfeld writer whose father, Readers Digest writer/editor, Daniel O'Keefe, came up with the idea.
One of the many benefits of Festivus is that it does not use a tree as a symbol, but instead, an aluminum pole and, wonder of wonders, that pole is MADE IN THE U.S.A. If that's not reason enough to join the Festivus movement, we may as well all move to China where everything else is made. Of course, Frank Costanza avoids decorating the Festivus pole with tinsel which he finds "distracting."
When preparing the Festivus meal, we don't want to antagonize the green people (Al Gore and Friends) not to mention PETA, so no turkeys are killed, nor are any pigs. Chicken wings are okay, however, since they require merely a painless amputation which can be justified by the fact that they don't fly anyway.
No special holiday music is involved at the many Festivus parties held nationwide so there is no need to import the Vienna Boys Choir. Festivusians lean toward Tejano, Zydeco and Blues. These types of music typify the purpose of Festivus: the "Airing of Grievances," in which each person tells everyone else all the ways they have disappointed each other over the past year.
When all such grievances have been written down on lined composition paper, they are displayed on walls and ceilings as well as the front door, so that everyone in town can see how disappointed we are with our friends and family, and ourselves as well. A slug or two of booze can help refresh the memory of those who are at first too reluctant to be forthright.
After the Festivus meal, "Feats of Strength" are performed, involving wrestling the head of the household to the floor, the object being to pin him or her down fully until he or she cries Uncle. This is even more fun at Sumo Festivus parties.
Festivus gains in popularity every year because it's not about any specific religion but is respectful of everyone including Athiests and Agnostics. Most importantly, it's the only way we can fight back against the commercialization of other religious holidays. As an example of this, Festivus involves no such irritants as gifts, drama, guilt, or anything that needs a battery.
Festivusians (people who would rather sit on Stephen Colbert's knee than Santa's) are starting earlier every year, a few on the weekend after Easter.
It is the one holiday where participants don't have to be nice to relatives.
#####
|
