Weird Dude
by Maggie Van Ostrand
Weird Dude, Psychotic Sadist
by Maggie Van Ostrand
I'd like to meet the sadist who invented the childproof cap. It's not the kids we have to worry about -- he's the one who doesn't have his head screwed on right.
It's doubtless some weird dude named Weird Dude, and he works for a small container company operating out of a ghetto garret. He's the same sicko who decided to emboss instructions in white onto white plastic jar caps. Unless you're Stevie Wonder, there's no way to know what the instructions are. Even touch doesn't work unless you have dwarf sensors under your fingertips or just dropped out of a spaceship.
We're onto Weird Dude, the Psychotic Sadist and is prepared to alert readers to some other irritations, like his toilet bowl cleaner.
Attempts to open a crook-necked bottle of toilet bowl cleaner can result in serious injury, not from the product squirting in your eyes which would indeed smart, but from writhing about on the kitchen floor in an agony of sweaty frustration because the cap will not turn. "Read the entire label before using this product." Sure. By the time you finish reading the ten-page label, you could've cleaned the toilet with an ordinary stick of dynamite.
The Toilet Bowl Cleaner Caper was particularly offensive in view of World Toilet Day (www.worldtoilet.org). This auspicious event was celebrated November 17-19 at the Beijing International Hotel and is scheduled for May 11-13, 2005 in Shanghai. Until they redesign the shape of your butt, how many changes can they be discussing? Why don't they just invent one that stays clean?
Another creation of Weird Dude, Psychotic Sadist is the remote control lettering. He's also the one who designed the buttons too small for fingers and you have to use an opened-up paperclip. He's the one who decided to have the names of the buttons printed in gray on gray so you have to rush out, buy eyeglasses, and hold the remote in the sunlight to see what it says. By then, your program is over.
Then there's the devious facial tissue box where, halfway down, tissue quits popping up and you think they're all gone but they're not.
Weird Dude also invented the Lip. No, not the one hanging under your nose, but the one hanging under the top of a prescription bottle. That interior lip was designed to prevent removal of the contents, assuming you were able to open the bottle in the first place.
Weird Dude inherited his sadistic prowess from his dad, who is single-handedly responsible for the Roman numeral dates at the end of all movies. No one, not even Ted Turner, understands why that is.
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